It is only when you meet or re-meet a person you had a brief affair with over a year ago now that you get perspective on who you are/who you’ve been/who you are becoming….or not.
There is a ‘fact’ I have had a struggling tango with these past few years and that is of control. I like to think that I am an easygoing, go-with-the-flow, sort of person which in reality, (and people who are close will testify to this), is true, though it has its limits. I am the sort of person that has always had a plan of sorts and stuck to it. Then, when I’ve done it, I move on to the next plan I set for myself. I don’t account for the “what-ifs” or the possibility of failure because, for the most part, nothing will stop the plan. Always go with the plan.
Within that however, are constraints.
I started playing the violin at eight years old and continued to do so for at least two hours a day, religiously, until I was about sixteen years old. I would follow note for note the lines on the sheet music until the muscles in my fingers memorised every measure. However much I practised, however much I knew that I would hit the note, it didn’t matter… I had to calculate that moment and I would not get ‘lost’ in the music.
This might be a bit existential to comprehend but it is a simple example that has followed; in hobbies, school, relationships, in every category I’ve been placed in front of.
I do not know how to breath in and quite simply just let go.
I know that things will fall into place and that everything that you think will happen will…but it won’t be as bad you expect it to turn out. Yes, you might lose your job but don’t freak out because it doesn’t mean you won’t find one a couple days afterwards. Yes, the boy you met that you thought would be the ‘one’ ended up being just another one, of the string of boys you have dated. Who knows who’ll you meet next?
I know all these things. If anything, its what has kept me sane these past couple of years. What I fail to do however is to simply let go… of trying to control the outcome of situations. Out of fear, perhaps? Fear that if I don’t go through with things that I’ll end up regretting it or perhaps its just fear that I will fail because in my twenty-four years of living I have not failed in the broad sense of the term.
Having this feeling… that things are in your control makes it easier in a sense because it means you can control the outcome even though in reality, you cannot. I hadn’t thought of this notion in awhile until I had a bottle of wine and shared stories with a person I hadn’t met with in over fourteen months. He confirmed it and despite the examples, and turning points in the conversation, we both left it as one of those questions we just simply don’t have the words for quite yet.
Who knows…perhaps I’ll just have to let go and find out in another couple of years?