Shia Labeouf

One of the first signs of adulthood is when your parents stop taking you to doctor appointments and instead of making the appointments yourself, you just hope that you don’t die.

Of course, you have yet to be a ‘full-fledged’ adult because you are most likely working for minimum wage. This means that you cannot possibly afford taking a day off of work as you are currently living paycheck to paycheck so, you have redefined ‘being sick’.
When you were a kid, ‘being sick’ ranged anywhere from not-wanting-to-go-take-that-math-exam-you-didn’t-study-for to having a bit of a sore throat and a warm forehead. Now, you have to either be throwing up (for reasons that do not include a hangover), physically disabled (if you can walk and have at least one functioning arm, you are fine), or have a fever (must be high enough where you start having delusions otherwise it does not count). It might sound harsh but it does build character and your immune system at an alarming rate. Also, next time you go to your GP, you are sure to get your moneys worth. Ironically, I have been living in Europe where healthcare is free so it isn’t a matter of money as much as it is a matter of being lazy (and convincing myself I do not need modern medicine as I now have the internet: see paragraph five).

Personally, I haven’t been to the doctor since…2009, which is also the year I left my parent’s home to spread my own wings. On my way to doing so I found;
weird intestinal cramps,
a face rash,
nosebleeds,
bloodshot eyes,
occasional headaches,
insomnia,
and the list goes on.
Bright side is I am not dead…….yet.

Well today, I took Shia LaBeouf’s advice and decided to Just Do It. I finally decided to be sensible and sign up for a GP. I cannot wait for him/her to ask me the age old, “what brings you in today” so that I can take out a papyrus scroll and read out all of my symptoms in alphabetical order. I will then follow by telling him/her the diseases I think I have.
Oh yes, because when you don’t go to a doctor you become an expert at diagnosing yourself. So far, I have narrowed my symptoms down to just a handful of diseases. I either have narcolepsy, some form of cancer, ebola, the plague, all of the above, and/or dying. Thank you Google.
Your friends also get on the self-diagnosing wagon and help you cure your “disease” by adding up all the symptoms you’ve had since you’ve known each other.

You: “That’s it, I have rosacea.”
Friend: *Looks up rosacea online*
Two hours go by
Friend: “So, I’ve been reading articles about rosacea and it says that it can be brought on by intestinal problems.”
You: “Oh that’s right, I did have stomach problems a couple months ago.”
Friend: “And it can also affect your eyes.”
You: “I did have blurry eyesight six months ago.”
Friend: “That or you’re dying”

You also become an expert at homemade remedies which make you try everything from eating a kilo of carrots for six months to making liters of chamomile infusions that you do not drink but rather put on your face day and night until symptoms disappear. Curiously enough, at the end of most DIY homemade remedy websites there is a tiny sentence in pt. 5 font that says “if symptoms worsen, please consult your local general practitioner.” I don’t think they realise this lowers their credibility.

In all seriousness, I do prefer to go the natural route as I believe most common colds, or body pains are just symptoms of not getting proper exercise, nutrition, and rest. Stretching (for me at least) usually cures any body ache as does chamomile tea for headaches brought on by stress. But at some point (hopefully before you die), you realise you should probably go see a doctor.

Well, today is that day. Thank you Shia Labeouf. 

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